How KH Should've Happened
by Dark Firaga Productions
Summary: The Wand of Mystik is a dangerous thing when it makes a cameo... a look at what would happen if the Crack World had been connected. An Old Crack Fic. Contains random references to anything.


A random crack. Contains perverts and drugs, but only a little. I do not like perverts or drugs.

HOW KINGDOM HEARTS SHOULD'VE GONE

A look at what would happen if the Crack World had been 'connected'.

Sora, Riku and Kairi were walking along the beach. It was a sunny day, at the beach, I think it was the fourth of July. All of a sudden, Kairi looked up.

"OMG THERE'S SOMETHING FALLING FROM THE SKY!"

Sora looked up, but Riku took no notice. He was TOO COOL to look up. After all, he might hurt his beautiful eyes. Or his sexy face. Or his luscious hair. The Author had to take a moment to puke in a bucket.

The thing that fell fell faster. It fell and fell and fell until it collided with Riku's head. He slumped to the ground.

Everything was silent for five minutes. A random flying pizza flew over and pooped a slice of pepperoni on the unconscious Riku. Then a sandwich came and attacked the pizza. The sandwich won, and ate the pizza's carcass. Then Kairi ate the sandwich.

"OH NO! WE KILLED HIM!" Sora said after a long pause, referring to Riku.

"No we didn't. The wand did." Kairi said, pointing to the wand embedded in Riku's head.

"But they'll think we did it!" Sora fretted. He began to run in circles but stopped when he tripped over a tube of lipstick.

"What Riku? I never seen it before in my life," Kairi walked away nonchalantly.

"MEEEEEEH!" Sora was about to chase her. Then forgot what he was fretting over.

He looked back down at Riku and thought of the song Girlfriend in a Coma. Sora smiled derpily to himself and walked away.

THREE DAYS LATER, THE HEARTLESS ATTACKED. SORA GOT THE KEYBLADE AND KAIRI WENT MISSING.

THREE DAYS LATER, VENTUS GAVE BIRTH TO A DEHUMIDIFIER. AQUA WAS THE FATHER.

THREE DAYS LATER, JACK CLIMBED THE BEANSTALK AND STOLE THE GOLDEN HEN. HE HAD EGGS FOR BREAKFAST.

THREE DAYS LATER, Riku woke up. Look at all that stuff he missed out on.

He looked around, wondering where everyone had gone. Someone had fixed everything so that Destiny Islands looked EXACTLY like it did before Riku was hit with the wand.

"THE WAND!" he gasped dramatically. He pulled it out of his head… then bled to death.

The wand cast Revive spell on itself and Riku. The two were all better.

"What sort of wand are you?" asked Riku. Why did he ask? He did not know that either.

"Wand wand," said the Wand.

"So you are the Wand of Mystik and you have chosen me to be your master?" Riku sat down and began to wonder if the wand was telling the truth.

Suddenly I came down from Cartoonistland, realising that if Riku didn't go to the dark side then there would be no reason for Sora to save him, which would forever ruin an epic subplot of Kingdom Hearts.

"RIKU MY SON. You have received the power of the Wand of Mystik. You must go and join the darkness and take over the world."

"Why? And how am I your son?"

"Well there was a guy called Axel and after a hard night out on the piss…THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!"

The Author crouched down in front of him. "Lissin kid. You wanted to see the worlds, right? Every one of 'em? You want to know where you came from, right? Well then lissin. You gotta go find the darkness. They're your only hope of being strong enough to go everywhere. But you got the Wand of Mystik! And the only thing that can beat that is a keyblade! But there ain't one here for miles! So go now, son, and BECOME A DARK ONE! LOL rhyme." And after that, I went back to Cartoonistland.

"So Wand, let's go join the darkness," said Riku

"Wand wand wand!" said the Wand of Mystik.

So they warped to the Dark World or wherever the World that Never Was they are going.

MEANWHILE…

While Riku met the Wand of Mystik, Sora was in a place called Traverse Town.

"OMG I am like SOOOO in Traverse Town!" Sora said, eating a donut and poking some dude's eye.

"Hey kid," Leon came out from behind a building, "Buy this. it will make you happy."

He held out a pack of joints, but Sora did not know what a joint was. So he brought it. "What does it do?"

"Just smoke it," Leon then ran off and raped his girlfriend Aerith.

Then Donald and Goofy came out of nowhere and the three of them had a FANTASTICAL ADVENTURE!

And after tripping out for many, many days, they decided to just go straight to Hollow Bastion.

MEANWHILE…

Riku and the Wand of Mystik arrived in the lair of Ansem and his cronies.

"Hey little boy," Ansem said, "Wanna help me catch some princesses? I'll make you strong."

"Okay."

Riku walked away to go catch princesses. Ansem watched him go and pondered how he could con Riku into his bedroom, and how he could lock the door with no-one noticing.

Riku walked through the tall grass.

_Wild Rattata appeared!_

Why would Riku want a Rattata?

_Got away safely._

Riku continued to walk around the tall grass, ignoring any Pokémon that appeared.

_Wild Princess appeared!_

_Go! Riku!_

_Riku used Mean Look!_

_Wild Princess can no longer escape!_

_Wild Princess used Baton Pass!_

_Can't escape!_

_Riku used False Swipe!_

_A critical hit!_

_Wild Princess used Screech!_

_Wild Princess's attack missed!_

_Riku used one Pokéball!_

Wiggle wiggle wiggle click

_Gotcha! Princess was caught!_

Riku brought the Princess back to Ansem.

_Princess's data was added to Ansem's Hoe-log._

_Give a nickname to the captured Princess?_

Ansem pondered a nickname.

_Slut joined the team!_

_Cage 1 in the Basement is full, so Slut was sent to Cage 2 instead!_

Ansem pulled Riku into a hug. "Well done my apprentice!"

Riku turned to talk to the Wand of Mystik. "We did it Wand!"

"Fridge!" said the Wand of Mystik.

"Now you just have to get me more," Ansem said, grabbing Riku's ass dodgily.

It went on like that for a while. Riku began to wonder if his supposed 'mother' was really telling the truth. But every time he asked the Wand of Mystik, it just said 'Wand wand'. Then Ansem called him away so that he could get another sponge bath, and the Wand of Mystik was left to sit there and report back to The Author.

FINALLY SORA SHOWED UP!

"I CHALLENGE THEE SORA! YOU CLAIM TO BE STRONGER THAN I? I WILL PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT I AM THE BETTER ONE!" Riku had been rehearsing.

Sora giggled, high as a kite. "You sound funny Riku. You sound like a FACE! WHOA! Where did the spots come from? Have you got acne Riku?"

What? Riku was FLAWLESS. The Author swallowed the vomit rising in her throat.

Riku looked at the joint in Sora's hand. "What is that? It's messing with your mind!"

Then Roxas came out of nowhere. "Roxas!"

The Author called Security. Roxas was dragged away. "I WILL BE IN THIS STORY! YOU CANNOT STOP MEEEEEEeeeee…"

And now…

_Sora is challenged by Riku!_

_Go Sora!_

_Riku used Slash!_

_Sora used Acid!_

Sora's high had just warn off. So he used more drugs he had acquired from Cloud.

_Sora tripped out!_

_Riku hurt himself in the confusion._

"What are you doing? KILL HIM MY PET!" Ansem came up behind Riku.

Riku looked at Sora, having what looked like an epileptic fit on the ground. He didn't want to kill the piteous heap of friend tripping out on the floor. If anything, Sora had defeated himself.

_Riku gained 3540 exp. points._

_Riku grew to level 56!_

_HP +2 154_

_Attack +3 151_

_Defence +1 103_

_Sp. Attack +0 79_

_Sp. Defence +1 89_

_Speed +1 108_

Riku went over and used Curaga on Sora. SORA WAS MIRACULOUSLY BETTER!

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT RIKU!? I want more…" Sora reached for the drugs, but Donald and Goofy had already run off with them and were fighting for them TO THE DEATH. Donald had half his face torn off and Goofy was missing both his legs but they still continued to wrestle in a pool of their own blood for the drugs.

Sora instantly felt guilty. "I'm sorry Riku. I never should have used those drugs."

Then he and Riku PASSIONATELY KISSED.

"Oh well," Ansem sighed. "If you can't fight him, I'll make you fight him."

Ansem then man-raped Riku. Not really, but it looked like it. AND THEN…

_What? Riku is evolving! (DUN dun DUN dun DUN dun DUN DAAA DUN dun DUN dun DUN dun DUN DAAA) Congratulations! Your Riku evolved into Dark Riku!_

_Dark Riku wants to learn the move Night Slash_

_But Dark Riku can't learn more than 8 moves. _

_Should he forget an old move?_

_1… 2… and… POOF!_

_Dark Riku forgot Mean Look and learned Night Slash!_

Dark Riku and Sora fought TO THE DEATH. Not really. They b*tchslapped each other for a while until a library fell from the sky and crushed them all.

Sora scrambled (eggs LOL) from the remains of the library. He looked at all the DESTRUCTION.

"NOOOO! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?" Sora cried like a baby.

Then Dark Riku came out of the rubble.

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE ALIVE!" Sora embraced his possessed friend.

"WAGJDFHADHAFHGAHGWGSAHG," said Dark Riku in Bokoblese (bokoblin language).

"Poos," said Ansem through Riku's mouth.

Dark Riku VOMITED out Ansem all over Sora. Ansem was so surprised that he ran away to his pedo-cave.

"Yay! We did it!"

Sora began to jig.

"We did it! We did it! We did it YAAAY! Something something! We did it!"

Riku left to go throw up more.

"Destiny Islands was attacked a few months ago! We did it! We did it! We did it! Hooray!"

Sora pointed to Riku, who responded by throwing up Terra.

"We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it!" Sora continued to bop.

"We solved our problems caused by drugs, and Ansem was giving Riku hugs! Yay! Woo! Hooray! We did it!"

Doo doo doo da loo da doo, said the background music.

"WOO!" Sora jumped in the air and freeze-framed.

Riku responded by throwing up Larxene. She walked away, rather disturbed about her strange birth, but then someone said "BOOBIES!" and she exploded. So now Xemnas had no chicks on his team. He responded by making a giant peanut butter jelly sandwich sculpture in memory of her. Then he got broad and hired a new member to work on his secret project. Her name was Xion 2 (like Mewtwo). WHO GODDAMMIT NONNAIHR/THE OTHER AUTHOR DOES NOT HAVE A HUMAN NAME! (Sorry we were arguing over what her people name would be. YOU MIND-RAPED ME NONNY!)

Fine. Her human name will be Ringo.

So in the end, Sora and Riku went back to Destiny Islands and made a sandwich.

Wait… where was Kairi in all of this?

The answer is: nowhere.

Jokes. She was hiding in Marluxia's pants the whole time.

(Nonnnaihr: they wear cloaks, not pants

Kip: so they wear NOTHING underneath!?

Both: … … … shudder)

KAIRI'S SIDE OF THE STORY:

So, MEANWHILE… IN MARLUXIA'S PANTS…

Kairi came out of the closet. She confessed to Naminé that she was gay and the two had a rowdy make-out session. Marluxia had to remove his trousers.

So after doing it with her nobody, Kairi found a way out. But as she walked into the light…

"SSSSS! IT'S TOO BRIGHT!"

She made the nearest dive for Xemnas's hair. She climbed onto his head and began to Re-dead him (which means she humps his head).

"GIT OFFA MA HAYER!" said Xemnas in a Texan/Old man droll. Then he began to wonder why he was talking like that. The answer was: he's been spending too much time watching cowboy movies with Saïx.

Kairi then left his head and made her way out of… wherever the World that Never Was the Org. comes from. LOL just realised what I said. They come from the World that Never Was. Kairi face-palmed at the Author's patheticness.

Kairi wandered away. She went to a nunnery when Hamlet said "Get thee to bed, Francisco!"

The Naminé Frollo-ed her way out of Marluxia's hash. As in she used Frollo as a battering ram. She ran all the way with Frollo to meet Saïx, who then ran away with them to meet Kairi.

MEANWHILE…

Marluxia, higher than a kite, was making more drugs to supply Leon and Cloud with.

THEN AXEL CAME IN!

"MAR,LY! I''''''''m DRU;NK.!" He was so drunk he couldn't use proper punctuation.

"So you want a fag, man?" asked Mar,ly.

"I KNOCKED/UP A GOD-ESS!"

"You want ma fags and get out."

"SHE W'NT B CK IN TIM.E SO T#E BAB…Y GREW UP TO B;E RIKU=THE WAND (OF MYSTIK~S HEIR!"

"I'm makin ma drugs."

"I [KIS$SED] RO%XAS IN\+ FR0ONT [OF XION ::::::::THE FIRST!"""""

"Here, have dem for free, man. It be a test for dis bach."

"I'M GAAAAAY+++++++++!&*:("

"We knew dat man just TAKE THE ANSEM-DAMN DRUGS!"

Axel walked away with 3 pounds of hash but did not know what to do with it. So he stuffed it into Xaldin's mouth.

Marluxia, finishing his batch of hash, waddled out of his room and went to deliver his drugs to Leon, carefully stepping over Xaldin, lying on the floor and frothing at the mouth.

SUDDENLY HE REALISED SOMETHING. He'd forgotten to turn the oven off.

HE turned around, but was stopped by a grumpy old troll nobody named Grumpy Old Troxll.

"I'm the grumpy old troll, who lives under a briiiiiiidge HEY! I'm a grumpy old troll, who lives under a briiiiiidge."

SUDDENLY THE WORLD THAT NEVER WAS WENT UP IN FLAMES!

All the nobodies and a few somebodies made it out alive. They went and hid in Traverse Town, so Marluxia could finish his delivery and Larxene suddenly disappeared into Riku's stomach.

MEANWHILE… BACK WITH KAIRI…

Kairi and Naminé were making love in some guy's house. Saïx was singing the alphabet outside. Some random woman walked past and threw some money at him. So Saïx went an brought a burger.

FROLLO meanwhile was watching Kairi and Naminé.

AND NOW TIME FOR A DANCE NUMBER!

DANCE XION DANCE.

LOL No1's dancing.

The Author threw a piece of paper at the Other Author (Nonnaihr).

Then Xaldin came out of nowhere, frothing with hash-rabies.

"IMMA MAKE A BABY WITH MA RABY!" he began to rape Xion.

"BUT I'M A DUUUUUDE!" cried Xion.

"No you're not. You are a chick, remember?" said The Author.

"Oh yeah," said Xion the woman.

Then she began to poo a baby.

AND THAT IS HOW BLACK VEIL BRIDES'S CC WAS BORN.

Then Xaldin died. Then he brought a little house and raised CC in it by himself because Xion is a terrible mother.

And Roxas came in with a flamethrower. "HOW'S THIS FOR NOT IN THE STORY!?"

He blasted all the paper with his flamethrower. Then realised that since this is a Word document and thus not on paper that it was a stupid idea. Security dragged him away again.

Kairi came outside. Then she thought she should probably get back to Density Islands as they were now called because Evil Peeta took over them.

SO she spun around and around and around and around until she got dizzy and fell over. Obviously that was not how you warp. Naminé came out and revived her.

And then Marluxia ran past being chased by The Goddess/Author because I do not allow drug-dealing in my world.

"Naminé! Help! The Goddess is after me!" Marluxia thought for a moment and then stuck a frog into Naminé's hands.

"GET BACK HERE YOU SCOUNDREL!" I said, throwing a window pane at him.

Marly ran off never to be seen in this story again. Naminé ate the frog he had given her.

AND SHE EXPLODED AND BECAME A PLANET.

Kairi meanwhile walked all the way back to Density Islands.

Elsewhere, the rest of The Org. were wondering how they were going to go back to Density Islands because Xemnas said that's where they all came from. Actually he said they came from the Stork who brought babies but the Stork lived there.

Luxord was smoking a pipe. ""What shall we do now,, ol'' chaps?"" he was so British that he used two lots of punctuation for everything.

"I don't know," said Axel, who was starting to sober up and now had a hangover.

"What happened to Roxas?" asked Larxene, who had just returned from the Explodedverse.

"" The poor lad is not in this story,,"" said British Luxord.

"WHY IS YOUR PUNCTUATION SO LOUD!?" screamed Axel.

""Eh,, wot? A'' yeh got a wee ''angovah?"" said Scottish Luxord.

""Yah man, got to get dem ''angovers oot o'' da weh,"" said Jamaican Luxord.

""OH what a fabulous little boy that Roxas is,, he''s so KAY-EWT!" said Gay Luxord.

"THIS MAKES NO SENSE!" screamed Vexen.

""YOUR NAME MAKES NO SENSE,, DARLING!"" screamed Gay Luxord.

"AAAAAAARGH!" screamed Axel, clutching his hungover head.

"AAAAAAARGH!" said Vexen

""AAAAAAARGH!"" said all the Luxords.

"ENOUGH!" said Lexaeus, pulling out a machine gun and killing all the Luxords and Vexen, and Demyx by accident.

"OH, NO! You kill-ed, Demyx"! said Zexion, who had forgotten where to use punctuation in a sentence.

"HAAAAAAAY SMEXY ZEX-EE!" said a random fangirl to the tune of Gangnam Style.

Suddenly a whole lot of Smexy Zexy's fangirls came out of nowhere.

Zexion stole Lexaeus's gun and killed himself by shooting his own body senseless so that it was mutilated and the fangirls would not love him. The rest of Org. XIII feasted on his body and the fangirls.

But they all got food poisoning and died. EXCEPT LEXAEUS. And Axel because he is my favourite.

SO THE TWO DARLINGS WENT TO DENSITY ISLANDS WHILE SINGING SMOOTH CRIMINAL!

BLACK AT DENSITY ISLANDS

'cause it was night. No racism intended.

Sora was now a construction worker. He got to put all the nails on the building so the Hammer Monster could smash them in.

Sora came home from work one day feeling himself.

Whoops, that sounded dodgy.

Sora came home from work one day feeling like he normally did every day.

No it still sounds kinda dodgy. He just felt normal.

Kairi and Naminé were pregnant to each other's children. Kairi was eating a Paopu fruit by herself (that means she will be alone forever and never find true love) and Naminé was knitting a sweater for a kitten.

Sora, while walking home, stopped at McDonalds.

Riku was the cashier. Sora ordered a family fun bucket and took it home to his family. Riku stood at the counter feeling loner.

THEN MARLUXIA RAN IN!

"I thought you were kicked out of this story!" said Riku.

"I made an escape!" said Marly, throwing a horse over the counter. The horse exploded into drugs and poisoned everyone except Riku and Marly and Saïx, who was just walking in now. it had taken him 3 pages on Word to make it to McDonalds.

THEN AXEL AND … who was with him? Lexaeus. Just remembered.

THEN AXEL AND LEXAEUS CAME IN!

Saïx was so surprised he ran all the way into Sora's heart and watched Ventus give birth to another dehumidifier.

Then Axel went to go find Roxas. Where was Roxas? In the You-Are-Not-In-This-Story-Asylum.

Alone now, Marluxia and Riku went into the Staffroom and had a hot one-night-stand. Lexaeus watched with great detail and decided he would write a science-fiction story about what Marluxia would do if Riku was a robot.

THEN RIKU'S REPLICA WALKED IN!

And that was it. It didn't do anything else. So Lexaeus programmed it to steal all the babies of Density Islands and store them in a baby zoo.

THREE DAYS LATER XEHANORT TOOK OVER THE WORLD.

Naminé's Baby's Point of View:

After sitting in the womb for ages and finally being born, I found myself sitting in a cage in the zoo.

I was sitting in the cage with my sister, Kairi's Baby. Because our parents were the same, I was called NBab and my sister was called KBab, from who gave birth to us.

I watched the Riku Replica, who now went by the name Repliku the Baby Snatcher, hand out food to all the other babies in the baby zoo. When he came past, I grabbed his nose. He dissolved into Ash. Then Ash dissolved into Aqua. Then Aqua dissolved into a PILE of Ashes.

Regular Point of View:

THEN REAL RIKU CAME IN AND cleaned up Repliku's Ashes. All the Ashes began to run around in the Ashtray. One of them called out 'Pikachu, use thunderbolt', but Riku dumped them all in the bin.

Then the bin grew huge and ate the zoo.

MEANWHILE… Lexaeus was living in a mansion. Then he got bored of this story, so he said

"THE END."


End file.
